Showing posts with label Sasquatch. Show all posts

Monday, January 30, 2012

Capitalism = Art

Well My Red Beard Bourgeois,

Welcome back to the best Red Beard Blog on the whole internets!

I write to you today from the grand township of Greencastle, IN

Yeah... This is a GreenCastle in France or someplace, not Indiana

Well, I wanted to blog alot more this past month, but didnt get around to it. You know, less is more. "Always leave em wanting more" as my ole uncle Phineas used to say...

Folks I thought I would tell you a brief tale. A tale of capitalism at its best. How a young, poor farmboy grew the be one of the richest men who has ever lived.(most boys are young..)

He was voted "Most Versatile Boy" in high-school. Basically, MacGyver

Samuel Moore Walton was born in Oklahoma but grew up in Missouri, when his dad decided that farming in Indiana territory couldn't cut it. He was a dedicated, disciplined, hard worker, doing whatever chores and spare jobs he could to help his family during the great depression. He was the youngest Eagle Scout in the states history. He went to the University of Missouri with some scholarships from the ROTC. He got a job with JC Penny 3 days after graduation, but with WWII on the doorstep he quit a few months later, knowing he would be enlisted in the armed forces. He worked at a DuPont arms plant in Tulsa till he joined up. Walton joined the military in the U.S. Army Intelligence Corps, supervising security at aircraft plants and prisoner of war camps. So he was basically a anti-spy that would stop spies from stealing our airplane secrets and stop Nazi defectors from leaving prison. Who know, he might have even interrogated some evil Nazi zombies?!

From the military to the business world he went with cash he had saved from the army, a loan from his father in law, an economics degree in his pocket, and a hard work and gristle in his bones! Dominating the competition with genius ideas and employee motivation he quickly became a owner of a successful expanding business. Fast forward a few decades and he has one the Presidents Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian honor an American can obtain, has expanded his corporation worldwide, and IS LOADED!! Sam Walton was the richest man in the United States from 1982 to 1988!

In 2011 6 members of the Walton family have the same net worth as the bottom 30% of American families combined. That's money folks. Mad Money! How did get obtain it? Hard work and determination. As far as his family goes now, the Waltons control over 48% of the company, and are worth a combined total of $93 billion. That is more than the GDP of Sri Lanka...

What did they do with their vast billions? Invest it, help others, and give it away. I mean, they are still loaded, but have given it to tons of great endeavors, such as Education Reform, Camp War Eagle, And Crystal Bridges...

Let me tell ya folks. I have traveled around this nation for a while now, and been to a ton of neat places. I have been to art museums in Kansas City, St. Louis, Georgia, Los Angles, and even the Art Institute of Chicago, and none of them come close. Now hold on before you start throwing bows! As far as the prestige of the pieces, in most cases, they have Crystal Bridges beat. However, none can beat its design and setting. Also, admission is FREE!!! Can you believe it? Its such a cool place. You really should go, like now! GO! GO NOW!

Still reading this? Well, here are some of my favorite pieces that photo'd:

Good ole GW! This Painting is worth $1! Get it?

Who better to run the animal grade school than a orangutan... that have red beards.

Notice the cat and dog at the end, fighting!

A monkey, contemplating Darwinism... I thought it was clever!

This piece is called: Time

I wonder why...

This one reminded me of my friend John Owen... I wonder this as well.

This was one of the most life like statues I have ever seen.

Creepy, but fascinating.

Read this ^

Look at this ^

Look at it up close!

Now look at it THROUGH THIS!

cool huh?

A photo outside the museum?

WRONG! Its ART! :)

This is one of my favs. Mix media. Its neat, but clown boy isn't.

He Pretty much photo bombed it!

And the best for last...

A red bearded pirate crab fisher!

Mona Lisa is envious...

Thanks again for coming! Be tuned in for more posts and red beardiness!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

A Heep of Hats

Where did you get that hat?

Where did you get that tile?

Isn't it a nobby one, and just the proper style?

I should like to have one just the same as that!

Whe'er I go they shout, 'Hello!Where did you get that hat?'

Dear Friends, thanks for returning to the Red Beard Blog for all your blogging needs. Today we shall speak of a amazing topic:

HAT's

"That's a Derby!" Curly, 3 stoogies

Why Hats, you say? Well when you think about it, nothing, (save Starwars), has affected human culture more! Really! ready... Think of a man from the middle east? A Chinese farmer, Or a Russian? or a jew? Or Davy Crockett... They mental pics you conjured up in that beautiful noggin of yours were all of people in hats! The Arab had a Turban, Chinese farmer was like the mortal comabt dude, the Russian had a fur hat, the Jew had one of those lil yamakas and Davy was wearing a hard hat. OH! You were thinking of Davy the pioneer? I was thinking of Dave Crockett, my buddy who works for K&B construction...

Lets be honest. No one really knows when the first cave man put a log or dead animal on his head to pick up cave-chicks, protect his head in the cave, or declare his dominance over other cavelings, but one thing is for sure, it was a good idea. Hat Scientists today say those are the very reasons humans have hats: To protect from the elements, show style and class, and to show military rank.

Top hat and facial hair, like Peanut butter and Jelly, are both awesome combos!

Hats have major definitions on culture. Just check this wiki article. There are tons of cultural hats that are typical of those folks and what nationalities they are.

But I MERICAN! What hats are important to me and my nation?! Well, thats why I wrote the blogpost silly. So here are my top 5 hats that impacted America!

Honorable Mention:

Fedora

Pure Class

What a brilliant hat! Made famous in the 1940's and 1950's because of its ability to stay on ones head & for being a soft hat (the way it could be rolled up when not in use. It looks good too! Humphrey Bogart was so well known for making the hat popular, that Fedora was his nickname! Famous archaeologists even wear it! This American icon would have made it much higher on the list if it weren't for all the dungeons and dragon nerds who thought that it made them instantly cool to throw it on at any time with any outfit... American college student, you know what im talking about...

5th Place:

Santa Hat

(Cats hate Santa & are evil!)

This hat makes the list because of its cultural impact. Red hat with cotton balls and fur are completely tied with Santa and Christmas; which are inseparable with America. Sadly, today this hat has little to do with the Ancient Byzantine pastor that loved Jesus, the poor, and children sacrificially and more to do with American mass-consumerism. However, this hat has had a major impact on the nation so its #5!

4th Place:

Trucker hat

This just says, "'Merica"

This style of hat was first given out as free promotional items by farmers and feed companies. Truckers would wear free hats, thus the name. The American Truck Driver makes America run. The cheap hats were always lightweight, practical, and were basically billboards for advanced philosophical ideals proclaiming their messages in phrases like "I heart beer!" and "Nascar!" They became popular in recent decades by camera salesman Ashton Kutcher.

3rd Place:

Beaver hat

Your probably saying, "What they heck is that?!" Well, I'd love to tell you! Waaay back before America was only 13 colonies, the pioneers and late exploerers were basically getting anything that could be of trade value in the Americas and shipping it overseas in... ships...

You see, when the English, Dutch, and France settlers realized that their land claims didn't have tons of gold and jewels, as Spain did, they looked for what resources they could. The BIGGEST resource by far was tobacco. However, when they just so happened to ship over a bunch of beaver pelts, they got into the hands of some English hat makers. They hat makers loved the stuff: they were able to make really cool shapes really easy, it was water proof, stylish and cheap. (The famous 'top hat' or D'orsay was a beaver hat.) Well Poppycock! Every European with any class figured he needed to have one! This drove demand for beaver pelts in the Americas through the roof. In 1624 the Dutch in New Amsterdam (later called New York city) shipped 1,500 beaver pelts to the Netherlands! 1500 Beavers!!! So the European nations wanted to get as many colonists and trappers to the Americas they could so that they would send beaver skins home! That's right folks, a major reason The United States of America is here today is because European's wanted fancy hats. Silly but true! Beavers were almost hunted to extinction but in the 1800's silks hat became the cats pajamas and the beaver was saved! Nonetheless for the partial creation of America, the beaver hat gets 3rd!

2nd Place

Coonskin cap

Ole Davy bear 'Rasslin!

No other hat, save #1, is more American! The Coon skin cap!

When European pioneers began settling the Tennessee and Kentucky areas, they took they it from Indians (like their land) & made it their own, evolving its use and wearing them as hunting caps.

The coonskin cap eventually became a part of the iconic image associated with American frontiersmen such as Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett. When Walt Disney came out with the Davy Crockett television show every boy in America wanted a coonskin cap, and all the raccoons ran for their lives. They went to Canada, where they now have political asylum. They don't get fed up there though so they come down here every now and then to eat our garbage.

Drum roll.........

First Place!

The Cowboy hat

President Reagan's nickname: Rawhide

No other hat is more iconic than the American Cowboy hat. While similar hats were worn on the Tibitian plan plains as early as the 13th century and the REAL hat that dominated the American West was really the Bowler hat, the American "Boss of the West" is ingrained in American Cowboy lore and is recognizable all over globe! Right next to Baseball and Apple pie, this thing is Pure American!

Buffalo Bill Cody wore one: Nuff said

John Batterson Stetson was born in New Jersey and was trained as a youth in the Trade of his father, Hat Making. When he was a young man he was diagnosed with TB and feared that he was never see the American West, as he had always dreamed. He decided to leave his family and friends to see the West himself. When he encountered the flea bags that were the American coon skin cap he new that he could make a much better alternative! Using Light weight fur-felt he molded the american hat: The Boss of the West. I own a cowboy hat and its makes me proud! Here is a comment from one of his biggest fans:

"It kept the sun out of your eyes and off your neck. It was an umbrella. It gave you a bucket (the crown) to water your horse and a cup (the brim) to water yourself. It made a hell of a fan, which you need sometimes for a fire but more often to shunt cows this direction or that."

The Cowboy hat...

To the Cowboy, a life saving tool.

To the Nation, an icon.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Nap Picks: What I do at Mamas

Howdy Blog Pals, or should a say Plogs...

First, wanted to say thanks for the encouragement! It seems that people take a big effort to let me know in real life that "your blog is so funny" & "Your blog is great!" & "Nathan your sooo HOT!" (Made up that last one.) So THANKS! I appreciate the props...

Will I do hope you have read my latest post on beards, and more beards. However, This post is an addition to a previous post. What I do when I eat...

Being a professional 21st Century American Nomad, I don't have a place to lay my head, as the 'son of man' would say. I spend time at the houses of friends and family, Couch surfing.

During the day I spend almost all of my time at my favorite Globally minded coffee shop: Mama Carmen's! (or as I call it Matriarch Vehicle-Male's). Mama Carmen is this stud Christian Worker in Guatemala who adopts street children as her own, caring and providing for them. IN turn, She just trusts God to provide for her. Its incredible. So one time a guy GAVE HER A COFFEE FARM. Just gave it to her. SOOO New Heights Church in Fayetteville, AR, decided to help provide for her buy buying her coffee. So they set up this sweet coffee shop...

Mama Carmen's Espresso Cafe, like Will Smith and Basketball courts, is where I spend most of my days. However, instead of relaxin and maxin and acting all cool, I am reading books, support raising, and acting all cool. Also Playing Settlers of Catan...

So when I need a break, like yesterday, I draw Napkin pictures and Napkin cartoons....

Without further ado, Here is said cartoons, & the soul reason for the post:

A pirate fighting a laZor Unicorn allied with Gummy Bears

Friday, August 5, 2011

Beards getting longer or "Beards, continued"

My former beard post was so popular that President Obama asked me to take it down because it was hindering his debt talks. Pelosi and Boehner couldn't focus, reading my blog on their iPhones and all...

SO, I decided to post some neat things about beards and beards on the internets!

Links

Here is a sweet beard of a magic guy creating beards out of thin air! (As opposed to 'over-weight' air) I want to learn how he does it, but magic is of the Devil (like Harry P... I wont even say his name...) and besides, I grow my beard like Jesus does (not DID. Hes alive)!

One of the greatest beard sources on the web is http://www.beards.org/ A fantastic site of beardy beardieness.

If these amazing blog posts haven't convinced you sissy boys to grow a manly awesome beard here are 10 reasons to:

http://www.biggerbetterbeards.org/

Warning! I laughed so hard I peed myself, but it also has some potty language. (Grammy I'm talking to you!)

LADIES...

I realize that you are feeling really left out right now. I feel your pain. When I was a small school boy (insert fat joke, such as "when were you small?!" [now I have your sympathy...]) I too didn't have a beard. I'm sure glad I became a man and mine came in, because then my blog would have been called "where the grows," and that makes absolutely NO sense.

FEAR NOT, as the angels of the good book say, You can have a beard too! Just click here! http://www.imadeyouabeard.com/

^ I know what your thinking & its not gross.

One more thing...

Folks, I love beards (if you can't tell). I hope you do as well, or at least I hope they GROW ON YOU. However, speaking totally candidly, I wished facial hair grew to a much greater light in the hearts and minds of the people in the USA. It seems that the hobos, uni-bombers, Joaquin Phoenixes, and all the creepos in South Dakota have ruined the beard's good name.

But lets be honest, the people that our culture loves most all have beards and we don't mind it at bit. We even let them into our houses uninvited once a year! We celebrate their birthdays! We eat their Chicken! Ladies and gentlemen, we even accept them into our hearts...

If I have failed to persuade you thus far, I'll just show you the biblical command...

Leviticus 19:27

²⁷ "Don't cut the hair on the sides of your head or trim your beard.

Therefore, when will you grow your beard out? Do you have a beard? Email me a picture of your beard (nathanallen86@gmail.com) and I will rate them on my site!!! Till next time friends...