Black Gold: A History of Coffee

Today I would like to share with you some stories on a subject that I am dearly passionate about.  No, its the Arkansas Razorbacks, its Coffee.  Didn't you read the title?

As part of my profession, we travel around the nation speaking to college students.  What does every college town have?  A coffee shoppe with wireless internet!  As 21st  century traveling Nomads, we need the internet to do work as the farmer needs a tractor.  Consequently, We get to see some fantastic coffee shops.  As a Historian (adjusting my monocle), I would like to share with you several important tales of Coffee Coincidence.  How coffee went from an unknown plant to the most exported resource in the world in in 500 years.  If you would please get out your #2 pencils and some notebook paper, we will begin....

Origins:

Legend has it that a Ethiopian goat farmer was just chillin one day watching his goats graze.  I imagine that he was sitting in the shade with a stick in his hand being bored just like any other day, except today was different.  Why?  His goats started going nutts!  They were jumping around like they were on fire!  They were running around in circles and just generally flipping out!  I'm sure your wondering, just as much as he was whats is going on!  He found that the cause of the commotion was from the little red cherry-like berry's that the goats were devouring in massive quantities.  The goat man chewed on a few of the berries and to his surprise they gave the most energizing jolt he ever had in his life!  

When goats eat coffee they can walk on water!

Woah!  The humble goat farmer had never seen anything like this before.  So he went to the most educated man he knew, the local Imam.  He gave a handful of berries to the Imam and told his tale.  To his surprise, the Imam said that the man was foolish and the berries were of the devil, so he threw the berries in the fire.  The man walked back to his goats with his head down like Charlie Brown.  

Some time later, the Imam was entranced by an amazing aroma!  He realized that the berries had burned away and left some dark brown beans that smelled glorious.  He took the roasted beans, soaked them in water and presto:  The first cup of coffee!  

The goat farmer's name was Ka, and the Imam was named Fi, so they opened up the first Ka-Fi shop in Ethiopia.  Ok, that was completely made up.  Just making sure your with me...  

News of this wonderful beverage of amazing energizing properties spread all over the Middle east and North Africa, which brings us to the next big coffee movement! 

The Ottoman Turks!

The Ottoman Empire was, at its height, one of the most vastly large and power empires in the world.  From their home base in what is today Istanbul Turkey, their empire stretched from Austria to the horn of Africa, and from Iran to the Straights of Gibraltar in Spain.  The Empire lasted from 1299 to 1923, so you know they were doing something right (coffee).  The Ottomans, besides being known for their neat reclining couches, were incredible awesome for several reasons.  (Hold on Ladies, I'm gonna indulge in my manliness for a sec)

1.  The Janissary's: The Ottoman's had a supreme military unit called the Janissary's.  Like the infamous Spartans of ancient Greece, the Janissary's were taken as small boys to be trained in all matters of warfare and lived their whole lives waiting to die in glorious battle.  From swords, pikes, horseback riding they learned it all including the newest weapons, which brings us to...

Mustache's of Death! 

2. GUNS!  The Ottoman's were the first Modern military's to use gun powder and firearms in their warfare! (excluding the Chinese who invented the stuff.  Remember Mulan?)  When the rest of Europe was running at the Janissary's with clubs and swords, they were launching golf ball sized rocks at 200 mph into their infidel faces!    

3.  Coffee!  Those dudes loved coffee, and they didn't mess around!  Have you ever had Turkish coffee?!  Its like Tar!  Its like Caffeine punches you in the face!  Some historians (me) would like to attribute their amazing fighting abilities to coffee, but regardless of expert opinions, the took coffee everywhere.  

Ancient Relief of an Ottoman teaching a baby to drink coffee!

So the Turks with their awesome military power would spend their summers invading people and taking their land.  The rest of the year was made to store up supplies so they could have coffee and comforts on their invasions.  Well, by 1683 the Ottomans had conquered the Balkans, Hungry, and were knocking at Austria's door, literally.  They were sieging the city of Vienna! Blasting it to pieces with cannons and trying to get the mustache-less dogs to give in.  Well, Austria, not wanting to lose and follow Islam, had a leg up.  They had sent messengers out to their buddies to come help.  

The morning of October 12, 1863,  Grand Vizier Merzifonlu Kara Mustafa Pasha, leader of the Ottoman's was just waking up and drinking his morning cup of Joe when, to his surprise, a massive army of Prussian Hussier (B.A. horseback troops) and Viennese troops come waltzing out (catch the pun?) of the city! The Ottomans were so scared and caught out of pocket, the just tucked tail and ran, leaving behind a literal mountain of coffee.  

Well the Europeans saw this mountain of beans and had no idea what to do with them.  Well a cool guy named Jerzy Franciszek Kulczycki (also with a mustache) learned of what they were by captured Turks.  He knew a good idea when he saw one, Jerzy opened the first coffee shop in Vienna and Europe! It was the most popluar place in all of Austria! He is also accredited for being the first person to add milk and honey to his coffee to cut back on the bitterness!  The first cappuccino! 

Jerzy would even dress up like a Janissary to promote his coffee drinks, but really just wish he was a cool as the Janissary's!

Well that is how Coffee made its way to the West, but with big dogs like England running the show in Europe, coffee always rode back seat to his lame-o cousin, Tea.  Tea was and is still one of the most popular drinks in the world, until one thing happened...

AMERICA!

America used to only hold 12 coffee cups, then they made them smaller!

Coffee is totally American!  So many thoughts come to mind!  Cowboys sittin by the fire drinkin some cowboy coffee!  The American percolator!  Coffee and Doughnuts!  The great American coffee shop!

  However, these things were not always so.

From Columbus to the Colonies, tea was always imported to the Americas, just so fancy pantses could get their snooty fix.  Things worked out just fine until the Americans got testy.  The only thing Americans love more than their hot beverages is not paying taxes.  The English however, didn't really get this.  So, in 1773 the British Parliament passed the Tea act.  They thought that the dumb colonists would just pay whatever they demanded for tea, so they taxed the fool out of the tea, and on top of that, would only send crappy tea over the to colonists.  

So when the Brits sent ship loads of tea over to the Americas, it pissed the people off!  What did they do? You guessed it.  Had a party!  

What better way to show your 'Merican-ness than buy dressing up like an Indian and breaking stuff!

Well, after the Tea Party, America pretty much said, "Hey England screw you, your tea, and your taxes!  Well just drink coffee anyway!"  So thats what they did.  

In true American fashion, as we can see repeated with Freedom fries in the early 2000's and Liberty Cabbage (Replacing Sour Kraut) in the 1900's, to drink tea was to support America's enemies!  Tea = traitor, and coffee = awesome American! The rest, as they say, is history...

I do hope you have enjoyed my tales of coffee delight.  As you can assume, I have taken several liberties with these stories for artistic interpretation, but all stories are true. 

 What do you think about Coffee's epic tale?